TOW the nuts and punch

[unagi]

NOTE - this fanfic has been posted in seven parts. If you want to read the whole thing in one go please click the following link (you'll need to unzip it and have a word processing program that handles .RTF files - most should) http://www.friendscafe.org/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1566

This is invisaged to be a 1 off special for the Thanksgiving after the final part. Monica and Chandler are in their new house and are hosting Thanksgiving for all of the gang. All the action happens in their kitchen and living room. Joey has also brought his sister Gina and his nephew Michael. Please note that as we have never seen Joey they only appear in a very small part of the script.

It is less of a serious script and gets a lot more surreal later. It will be posted in parts so let us know what you think of it. Try counting how many in-jokes you can find (some may be unintentional!) and post them here.

Here is part one (the shortest of them all) and will probably end with the title credits in real life:

SCENE: the kitchen.

Chandler: Can you believe that the whole gang is going to be here later?

Monica: [reflective voice] I know, it's been such a long time. [bossy voice] Okay Chandler, you're in charge of punch and nuts.

Chandler: why nuts and punch? [just realised]

Monica: Because nuts and punch are the only jobs you can't mess up .

Chandler: [thinking] Can you imagine how many jokes I can make about nuts and punch?

Monica: Um...none

Chandler: Do you not know me at all? This is a golden opportunity... [Notices Monica's face reaction and realises. Slight anger in his voice.] Oh, you meant I can't tell any jokes. [deadpan] This is gonna be a fun day!

Monica: Chandler, it means a lot to me that you are doing this. Now if you can't get through this without making jokes then don't do it!

Chandler: [bitter] Fine, no jokes. When have I ever messed stuff up?

Monica: Please, do I need to give examples.

Chandler: [thinks] Well...Joey got your turkey stuck on his head!

Monica: Well, Joey's not in charge of my nuts and punch!

[Chandler looks like he's desperate to make a joke. Monica glares]

Chandler: [defeated] what do I need to do?

Monica: Just put these nuts into a bowl and circulate them. Oh, and there's a bowl of punch there for when the guests come, there's more in the fridge.

Chandler: [deadpan] Wow, I thought this would be hard!

[Chandler picks up the nuts and reads the label]

Chandler: "Warning: contains nuts." That's funny, because otherwise they'd just be called "peas". [chuckles at his joke]

Monica: [irate]Chandler, I meant NO jokes. Look, I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner for 15 people today, so why don't you just take the nuts, and your funny little jokes into the living room okay.

Chandler: [counts in his head, on fingers etc] Isn't it 12 people?

Monica: Joey's coming [Chandler nods in acknowledgement]

Chandler: [trying to be funny] Isn't it funny how we don't live right across the hall but we still end up feeding him? [Monica rolls her eyes at him]

[knock at front door]

Chandler: [defeated]I'll get it [goes to front door]

[Enter Joey, Gina and Michael from "Joey"]

Hey Mon, Joey's here. [Monica enters]

Joey: Hey guys, I want you to meet my sister Gina. Gina, this is Chandler and Monica.

Gina: Wow, I've heard a lot about you guys.

Monica: [childlike] All good I hope!

[All look guilty]

Chandler: [trying to break the silence] Wow, ain't she pretty! [Joey, Gina and Monica stare at him] Nope!

[turns to Michael] But she is pretty though, isn't she?

Michael: [shocked] Dude, that's my mom!

[Chandler jumps back as in The One with George Stephanopalous 1.04]

Chandler: Your...Your mom. So [pointing to Gina, chuckling] you must have been like 13 when you had him.

[ALL stare at Chandler. Chandler acts desperate] I've got to find a bowl for these nuts! [runs off camera]


PART 2 TO FOLLOW SHORTLY. In part 2 they get an unexpected phone call...

[gimpy]

i think it was very good i liked the jokes

[rr&mc4eva]

good....

[how_you_doin]

funny!:D good effort!

[rk geller]

funny with the jokes ...loved that you used our new fun friends ...the tribbianis...

[#1-DJCMLM-fan]

LOL! That was very funny!! Thanks for sharing it with us!!!:cool: :cool: :cool:

[unagi]

Okay couldn't wait any longer, here's part 2 of TOW The Nuts and Punch. Sorry "rk geller" but there aren't really anymore appearances with the Tribbiannis (unfortunately we haven't got Joey yet so I don't really know their characters too well.) Anyway, here goes.

Living room - later.

[Gina looks very upset] Joey: Don't worry, Chandler's just...like that. You'll get used to him!

[Phone rings]

Chandler: I'll get it.

[Joey picks up one of Monicas ornaments]

Joey: Wow, what's this thing. [puts it to his eye, Joey style, trying to see what it is] Wow, I can see my eye in this!

[off-screen] Monica: Joey, put down the crystal duck!

[on phone] Chandler:[explaining]...Chandler...I'm her husband...yes Bing, how many Chandlers do you know?...[loads of sarcasm] well of course I sound different: I'm on the phone...

[Goes to ornament shelf] Joey: Do you think I could see my eye in any of these other ornaments?

Monica: NO!

Joey: Okay, good luck Chandler. [pats Chandler on back]

[still on phone] Chandler: ...I wouldn't if I were you Monica's all bossy and...[Monica stares at him. Chandler mouths "I love you" to Monica. Monica sarcastically smiles back]...how did she burn a turkey?...all right, I'll see you in one, two hours...[suprised] TEN MINUTES?...fine, goodbye. [hangs up phone]

Joey: [excited] hey man, if you look into this you can see your own eye! [does his smile and nod thing]

Chandler: I know, it's cool isn't it! [Quietly, aside to Joey] but I'm NEVER allowed to do it! [Joey nods]

[Chandler goes into the Kitchen]

Monica: Chandler, get the hell out of my kitchen!

Chandler: [sure of himself] Okay, you are going to love me.

Monica: [angry] What did you do?

Chandler: Relax, its nothing to do with nuts or punch! [Monica look like she is going to kill him. Chandler blurts out.] Your parents are coming round!

Monica: [shouts] WHAT!

Chandler: Oh come on, you said you wanted them to see the house and the children.

Monica: Yes, but only after I've had 48 hours notice to prepare!

[Chandler does don't be mad face and gesture]

Fine, but I don't have more food so everyone will have to share what we've got.

[Chandler looks shocked]

Chandler: [points to Joey] Are you going to tell him or shall I? [Monica stares. Chandler chuckles] Of course I'll tell him, because you're stuck in the kitchen--

Monica: [interupts] and you invited my parents round--

Chandler: got it! [leaves]

In part three Monica's parents plus Ross and Rachel arrive

[rr&mc4eva]

hehe....good

[unagi]

I know that interest is drying up on this story so I'll go ahead and post the next part for you all to enjoy! This one's even funnier than the last two parts and it's very long. Please enjoy!

Chandler: Joey, I've got something to tell you.

Joey: [excited] Are you moving to LA?

Chandler: [suprised] No, what would make think that?

Joey: Nothing, but it would be cool though wouldn't it!

Chandler: Yes; as much as I want to bring my wife and two children to live with you, your sister and nephew; who hate me by the way [Joey mouths no] to live in another state; [pauses] that's a no.

[Joey looks upset]

No, it's more important than that.

Joey: Ooh, sounds serious.

Chandler: [serious voice] It is. I think you should be sitting down.

[Joey does].

Okay. Jack and Judy are coming around for dinner today. Here.

Joey: [nods] Oh. Who are Jack and Judy?

Chandler: Monica and Ross's mom and dad. [Joey looks lost] They like Ross more than Monica. [Joey still lost]. They both left their trifle in Monica's bedroom one year and you ate it.

Joey: [nods] Ah yes. The "beef trifle" people.

Chandler: Anyway, they've burned their turkey. So they're coming round to ours soon.

Joey: [suprised] How do you burn a turkey, they're like this [gestures] big?

Chandler: One time you burned a pan of milk.

Joey: [rising] I was trying to make evapourated milk.

Chandler: [shouting] We're not having this conversation again! [calmer] Anyway, it means that you're going to have to have less turkey this year.

Joey: [gasps. hopeful voice] Isn't there anything you can do?

Chandler: Monica's tried everything, but it was too late - the shops are all closed now.

Joey: I can't believe that this has happened. Can I see it?

Chandler: [sarcastic] It's a turkey.

Joey: Can I be alone for a little while.

Chandler: [returns to serious tone] sure. You want a hug?

Joey: No.

Chandler: Really.

Joey: NO! [grabs him, similar to when Chandler moves out]

[knock at door. Joey doesn't let go]

Chandler: I'll get it [Tries to move] I think. Joe, could you--[Joey lets go]

[Answers door, and enter Judy and Jack]

Judy: Hi dear

Jack: I can't believe it, the traffic was murder. It was like everyone was seeing their friends and relatives today.

Chandler: [sarcastic] You wouldn't think so would you.

Judy: So what's been new with you guys?

Chandler: Not much since we talked to you on the phone, last night.

Jack: I'm sorry this was so unexpected, I didn't think we were at it for that long.

[Joey looks as if he's going to say something. Chandler interupts] Chandler: In these situations I find it better not to ask.

Judy: Well I was standing there slaving over a hot stove--

Chandler: Really, we're doing this?

Jack: And I just said how pretty she looked.

Joey: You're talking about Judy right. [Chandler rolls eyes].

Judy: Anyway, we got carrried away and--

Joey: Ooh, let me guess

Chandler: [desperate] Please don't!

Monica [runs in from kitchen having heard story]Chandler, why don't get circulating the nuts.

Judy: Ah, Monica, why don't we have a chat in the kitchen.

Monica: As long as it's not about your turkey! [They both walk out]

Joey: Dude, she said nuts, do you think there's a joke in there.

Chandler: Yes Joe, but we're not 14 anymore.

Joey: Monica made you not tell any jokes today huh?

Chandler: [quickly] Yeah.

[Ross and Rachel arrive plus Emma].

All: Hey!

Ross: Chandler, how come you left your door open, a stranger might walk in.

Chandler: When have we ever locked our door? [Ross agrees]

Monica: [shouts] Mom, you already have grandchildren! Four of them! Now please get out of my kitchen!

Judy: [disgusted]Well! [sees Ross and cheers up] Oh never mind, Ross is here.

Ross: Hey Ma, hey Dad.

Judy: Monica gets so bossy when she cooks. I don't know who she gets that from? [turns to Jack] Jack?

Jack: [deadpan] No.

Monica: [shouting] CHANDLER!

Chandler: Yes, love of my life!

Monica: There are guests now. Can you please get the punch out there?

Chandler: Sure. [jokingly] I wonder why they call it punch?

Monica: Because that's Monica does to Chandler when he makes jokes about the punch!

Chandler: [gasps, jumps and shouts] You made a joke! You made a joke about the punch! Now do I get to make a joke about the punch: I've got a good one, I've been sitting on it for the last half hour.

Monica: What about your [imitates] "contain nuts" haha "otherwise they'd just be called peas" hahahaha. My one cancels out yours. Now we're even, sucker!

[Chandler looks suprised at Monica's outburst-his "what just happened" face]

Chandler: Yes, but my one was so much funnier than yours. [Monica goes to hit him. Chandler runs out of room]

Living room

[Chandler runs in] Joey: Hey dude, you still run like a girl. [Chandler does his exaggerated slowing down]

In the next scene Phoebe arrives

[rr&mc4eva]

good

[Pittston]

Good. You could give Rachel some lines, though.

[gimpy]

i think it was very good

[unagi]

Living Room

Joey: [intrigued]Hey Ross, what's it like being a paleontologist...in France.

Ross: Pretty much the same as being one in America.

Joey: [looks blank] I'm sorry, what's that like.

Ross: You look at fossils, study evolution, [Joey still blank. Ross desperate] about dinosaurs.

Joey: Oh, that's right. Wow, so you go to France and all you end up doing is looking at fossils? Great move!

Ross: Joey, I moved to be with Rachel. Okay, it wasn't my plan. [jokingly] Although in France, every month we have a party with all the dinosaurs.

Joey: Aren't they just, like, bones and stuff.

Ross: No, no...in..in France, we have, we have real dinosaurs just a roaming the streets, doing their dinosaur, type, things.

Joey: [excited] Wow, can I come. [serious] But they're not big dinosaurs though. Are they?

Ross: No no, just a friendly Velociraptor or two.

Chandler: Hey, Dr Grant, can I talk to you for a minute. [everyone stares] [dejected] Ross. [unbelieving] Didn't you ever see Jurassic Park? [Ross stares] Oh, of course, you must have seen it, you're a paleontologist. [keeps staring] [desperate makes exagerated shovel actions] Shall I keep digging or is this grave deep enough?

Ross: What's up.

Chandler: I need you to make a joke about nuts or punch...soon.

Ross: [proud] Finally, the pot must have dried up. You know, I had to put up with your jokes for the last 18 years, and now you want me to make a joke. [realises] Dammit, I owe Phoebe 10 bucks.

Chandler: No, no, no, no...[trails off] [shouts] NO. Look, I can still think of good jokes. Okay, I have been thinking of jokes for the last hour, okay.

Ross: [thinking aloud] Why nuts or punch? And why have you just been thinking of jokes rather than telling them? That doesn't sound like Chandler. [realises] Huh! Monica put you in charge of nuts and punch...and banned you from making jokes! [Chandlerface changes to acceptance] Let me guess. She gave you the old "this means a lot to me but if it doesn't mean a lot to you then don't do it" speech?

Chandler: Okay, that's incredible, how do you that?

Ross: Because unlike you, [takes time to pronounce each word] I...understand...women. [Chandler rolls eyes] [defensive] Hey, I've been married three times.

Chandler: Are you still using that? Okay, number 1 lesbian. Okay, number 2, wrong name at alter. Number 3, drunk in Vegas. You don't understand women, if it were a jeopardy special, about understanding women, you'd be owing them money!

Ross: Dude, why'd you keep doing those?

Chandler: I d'know. Are we on for the joke?

Ross: I d'know, you were always the funny guy - although I could tell an interesting fact about nuts and punch.

Chandler: [deapan] Oh good, because I've been thinking: maybe I'll stop telling jokes and instead bore people to death!

[Ross looks hurt]

Chandler: Please, will you do it?

Ross: I'll try, but I can't promise anything.

Rachel: Hey, watcha talking about?

Ross: Oh, Chandler's in charge of nuts and punch and he wants me to tell a joke about it!

Rachel [to Chandler sympathetic]: Oh, I feel so sorry for you. I knew you'd run out of jokes sometime. Oh, I owe Phoebe 10 bucks.

Chandler: NO, okay, I can still make jokes. I'll tell you one right now--[Monica stares at him]

Ross: Woah! That's a hard stare.

[Enter Phoebe]

Phoebe: Hey you guys. [sarcastic] Oh, this place looks great. It must have taken ages to decorate.

Chandler: [firm] It did.

Phoebe: [fake excitement] Oh, this place looks great, it must have taken ages to decorate!

Chandler: [dejected] You're welcome.

[Phoebe and Chandler sit down together]

Phoebe: Oh, come on, no, in all the time I've known you, you have not been happy one Thanksgiving yet [Chandler goes to talk] and I don't wanna hear about how your parents got divorced at Thanksgiving. You have so much to give thanks for. Now this is a lovely place. Just a bit bright [Chandler stares] at first - who picked these colours?

Chandler: [firm] Me.

Phoebe: Oh. Love 'em. Nut? [hands out bowl to him]

Chandler: That's my job.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, make a joke and break the tension.

Chandler: I can't.

Phoebe: Oh it's not that depressing, you've always had bad taste in colours. [Chandler keeps staring. Phoebe changes subject.] That's a nice sweater vest.

Chandler: Thanks. And it's not the situation, okay, I can't make jokes because I'm trying to prove to Monica that I can take this seriously and I will not make a joke today. Isn't Mike coming?

Phoebe: I've been here five minutes and you're the first person who's asked. He's in bed with the 'flu.

Chandler: Oh that's too bad.

Phoebe: Yeah. So no jokes...really?

Chandler: Pretty much.

Phoebe: Huh, that's what you think [smiles]

Chandler: What d'you mean?

Phoebe: You'll see [goes towards kitchen]

Chandler: Don't go in, she'll bite your head right off.

Phoebe: Shh.



Kitchen



Monica: Phoebe, what d'you want?

Phoebe: Well, y'know, I've come all this way; and my husband's in bed with the 'flu: which, he could die of; and I just wanted to say hi to my friend Monica, but if that's too much trouble--

Monica: You're right, I'm sorry, hi. So how is Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, he'll live. [excited] You know what we haven't done in such a long time?

Monica: [busy, reeling off] Rented a car, tried on each others clothes?

Phoebe: Wow, you are turning into Chandler.

Monica: gone to cinema?

Phoebe: You're just not fun. No, you losing money to me. We should totally do that!

Monica: What, when have I lost money to you?

Phoebe: You know, when Rachel was having her baby and--

Monica: Okay, stop, you know how much I hate losing. What's the bet?

[Enter Rachel]

Rachel: Hey, the guys are watching the game in there so I thought I'd come in and see the girls. What's going on?

Phoebe: Oh, it's exciting, yeah, Monica's about to lose some money to me.

Monica: I am not!

Phoebe: Oh, you so are.

Rachel: Well, what's the bet?

Phoebe: That Chandler will make at least one joke today about nuts or punch.

Rachel: Oh, Monica, just give her the money.

Monica: Okay, this is one bet you will lose, because I know Chandler will not make a joke.

Rachel: Oh, you are betting. Good, I want in on that.

Monica: Sure, I'll take pleasure from taking all your money.

Phoebe: So, is it a deal?

Monica: Of course, how does 50 bucks sound?

Phoebe: Done!


NEXT PART TO FOLLOW SOON

[gimpy]

very good but what about emma is she hear?

[kRisteN]

that's good!

[unagi]

^ Thanks! There's a few more parts to post (we haven't actually finished the whole script yet!) We thought everyone forgot about it, but as people are still reading it here's part 5 (it's long but we think very funny!)

Living room

Joey: Hey, Pheebs, where's Mike.

Phoebe: Oh, he's in bed.

Joey: Wore him out, huh.

Phoebe: No, he's got the 'flu?

Joey: Okay Pheebs, so how is-- [realises, and is very excited] oh...OH! [runs to kitchen]

Phoebe: Okay, I wanna know what's going on. [goes to kitchen]



Kitchen

Monica: Joey, food will be ready when I tell you.

Joey: Phoebe says Mike's not coming, can I have his turkey?

Monica: No, all the food will be divided amongst the other plates so [Joey looks sad] Yes, you can have his turkey.

Joey: YESSS! Although I don't want the extra vegetables, you can give those to Phoebe. [points]

Phoebe: What, so just because I'm a vegetarian it's just like, vegetables is all I wanna eat...yeah, that makes sense. Okay.

Joey: That's still like, a, tiny plate of food.

Monica: Do you want me to make you a sandwich?

Joey: One sandwich?

Monica: Well, I don't have enough turkey for two! Okay but you can help yourself to what's in the fridge [Joey moves towards fridge] AFTER your turkey. I'll leave the sandwich on the table for you.

Joey: Thanks Mon [hugs her].

Monica: You're very welcome.

Living room

All the gang (minus Monica and the Geller parents are hanging out)

[all Rachel's lines to Chandler to be said flirty]

Rachel: Chandler, do you have any nuts?

[horror on Chandler's face]
Chandler: [quietly] Oh, how not to make a joke. [normal] Well they're in this bowl.

Rachel: You know, I always thought your nuts would be...bigger.
[horror grows]
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, and not yellow.

[Rachel mouths "what"]

Chandler: Did Monica put you up to this? Is this a test? [Rachel look triumphant, Phoebe confused]

Ross: Maybe, you should write down the jokes, and then--[Chandler stares throughout] Oh, I got an interesting fact about nuts. The hazelnut, it's...it's not a nut, but...but...a seed, type, thing [tails off as Chandler stares harder]

Chandler: [aggressive] They're peanuts!

Rachel: Ooh, and they're nice peanuts.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, very crunchy. [Rachel stares again]. Oh, I see what you're doing!

Chandler: What, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Nothing, um, Rachel's just, admiring your nuts.

Rachel: Yes, yes, good one.

Phoebe: Hah! Oh, and I bet they'd hurt if someone kicks them!

Chandler: [shouts] I will not rise to this. [storms out and goes to kitchen]

Phoebe: I went too far didn't I? [Rachel nods]



Kitchen

Monica: Chandler, what do want now!

Chandler: Okay, apparently, Rachel thinks I have small but very admirable nuts! Is something going on here?

Monica: We've got a bet that you'll make a joke today

Chandler: That's terrible, I promised--

Monica: No, no, that's what I said. That's why we'll be a hundred bucks up tonight!

Chandler: But you're accepting a bet that I'll fail.

Monica: Pretty much.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: But it makes your promise a little more serious. Because if you make a joke, you owe me a hundred bucks. Tell the guys dinners in 20 minutes.


[Chandler re-enters living room]

Ross: I'm bored. [everyone agrees]

Phoebe: [very bored, outburst] And you work with fossils, how do think we feel?

Joey: D'know what game we haven't played in ages?

Phoebe: [excited] Madlibs.

Joey: No. Strip poker.

Chandler: [sarcastic] Too bad, we don't have cards.

Jack: [enthusiastic] Oh, I have cards [gets them out]

Judy: We haven't played strip poker since...

Jack: Aunt Sylve's birthday party.

Monica: [shouts desperate] Chandler! Punch! Punch!

Chandler: Anyone want some punch?

[everyone groans]

Ross: [desperate]--anyone wanna play Monopoly, or--

Jack: --No, there's not six of us. Anyway, Judy is so terrible at strip poker. She was stark naked and I'd only taken a shoe off.

Judy: [laughing] Oh, Jack.

Chandler: You know, it's got rum--[holds up punch bowl]

All: OKAY![everyone starts fighting for the punch bowl]

Jack: And anyway, my point is, as you guys can tell, she's no Rita Moreno.

Judy: [sharp] Jack!

Jack: What? [turns to her]

[Judy does Ross's fist thing. Ross gasps]

Chandler: Oh my god, it runs in the family!

Ross: [screaming] You know about that?

[Ross makes incomprehensible squeals throughout the rest of the scene where * is indicated]

Judy: Sure, it's that dumb thing you made up.


Jack: Your way of giving the finger without having to give it.


Judy: We cried the night you made that up.

Jack: And I don't do that often.

Judy: First it was the dinosaurs--


Jack: --And then the comic books--


Judy: --And then the science medals.


Jack: --sure we were proud, but couldn't you have played football instead?


Judy: And with the fist thing, it was just too much.

Jack: It was the first time that I realised that I was cooler than my son. [everyone gasps, Joey gasps two seconds later]

Ross: Oh, oh, you know what [does fist thing]

Joey: Dude, that means nothing anymore!

Ross: [defeated] I know [Joey pats his back]

[rk geller]

this is hysterical....there needs to be more.

[Rachel_Grene]

haha! cool!!!

[Pittston]

Hilarious! Please more!

[unagi]

Oh well as you asked for it...

Kitchen

[Joey enters]

Monica: It's on the table.

Joey: Great. I'm just gonna wash up [pause] by that I mean pee.

Monica: I know.

[Ross enters]

Ross: [his signature hi] ...Hi!

Monica: I'm sorry sweetie, I heard all that.

Ross: I can't believe they don't think I'm cool.

Monica: I know. But hey, now you know what it's like to be me!

[Ross notices sandwich]

Ross: Is...is that a moistmaker.

Monica: Yes, I made it for--

Ross: You remembered. You must have sensed that I was sad and that this would be the only way to cheer me up. We're just like [points to Monica and himself, as if to say "connected, on same wavelength" etc. Monica nods along] You haven't made one of these in years. Why not?

Monica: Because last time I did...you got fired.

Ross: Ah yeah....but still [Ross picks up sandwich and starts eating it. Enter Joey]

Joey: Okay, where's that--[notices sandwich is missing]

Ross: [eating sandwich, mouth full and half eaten sandwich in hand] Hey Joey.

Joey: [gasps] You ate my sandwich!

Ross: No, Monica always made it for me. It's so cute, she sensed, I was unhappy...and...and...made it for me.

Joey: That sounds great. Here's an alternative: she sensed...I was hungry and she made it for me!

Monica: Look, why don't you just take half each.

Joey: Well that's not fair, he's already had some!

Monica: But you still will get half! [Joey looks confused] It was already cut in half!

Joey: Yeah, so?

Monica: You just take the uneaten half! [Joey nods]

Joey: Half a sandwich! I don't get you. Four years ago, I get a whole turkey, now, I get...[counts in head] no turkey!

Monica: You already get three times more than everyone else PLUS Mike's turkey AND that half sandwich!

[Joey does a storm out]

Ross: He's right you know, you are being a bit tight this year. [Monica sighs and collapses on counter as if defeated]

Monica: [shouts] Five minutes to dinner!

Jack: So, are we playing or what!

Chandler: WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! Always WHAT!

Judy: What what, dear?

Joey: What's going on here?

Rachel: Chandler...

Chandler: No!

Rachel: Come on, you're in charge in nuts and punch, and I would love some nuts!

Chandler: Here, I'm sorry they're too small for your liking.

Rachel: You know what, we're done with that!

Chandler: Oh, so you're not going to trick me into telling any jokes.

Phoebe: Well we were, yeah...

Rachel: You weren't trying to trick him!

Phoebe: Na-uh, what about my line about...you know...the kicking. [pause] Yeah you're right!

Rachel: [thinks for a second] Anyway, we were going to trick you, but then we thought, we don't need to: you'll do it all yourself. Just trust me on this one!

[Chandler looks thoughtful]

[preci0us_dreams]

o that is soooooooooo great!

[eNd oF aN eRa]

so great!!

[unagi]

This is the concluding part of this fan fic. It's been a lot of fun to write and we're glad to see that so many people have enjoyed it. If anyone has any ideas for another fan fic we'd be happy to hear them, but this is reverse Einstein, because a good story is 99% inspiration and 1% perspiration. Anyay enough rambling here's the story.

We would have posted it as a .doc file if people haven't read the previous parts, but the script goes on for 8 pages (front and back :P ) and FC's file uploading wouldn't allow it :02: . Anyway, hope you enjoy the final part.


Monica: Chandler, stop sitting around making jokes. You're charge of nuts and punch, why aren't you distributing them?

Chandler: Because I think this job's too hard for me. I mean, I had to put the nuts into a bowl and circulate them. And take the punch out of the fridge and pour it...[Rachel looks triumphant. Chandler notices extremely angry look on Monica's face. Chandler acts desperate]THAT WAS NOT A JOKE! That was. . . a . . . a musing! [Acts like a stand-up comedian to Monica] Well it obviously wasn't amusing for you. [Phoebe looks triumphant too] THAT WAS NOT ABOUT NUTS AND PUNCH, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. [defeated] I'll set the table.

Monica: What, and have you mess that up too? ROSS.

Phoebe: I'm gonna phone Mike, and see if he's alright.

Chandler: Phone Mike, huh. I--

Monica: Chandler, I'm not in the mood!

Rachel: God I wish I'd have thought of that line 10 years ago!


DINNER TABLE

Monica: Can we have a toast please? OK, this is the first time we've all been together in a whole year. We're joined by the faces of so many friends, both old and new and --Joey, can you wait until I finish the toast before you start eating!

Joey [with mouthful of food] Sorry.

Monica: Anyway, as I was saying we're joined by friends, most of us [looks as Joey] have settled down and married, and we're all so happy with life. So--

[Phoebe storms in in] Phoebe: I think Mike's cheating on me!

All: NO-O-O-O!

Monica: So we're done with the toast then.

Ross: What happened?

Phoebe: Well, a woman answered the phone.

Rachel: So. That doesn't mean anything.

Phoebe: She sounded slutty.

Ross: A woman can't just sound slutty.

Joey: Oh I think they can! Yeah, it acts as a safety net, you know, if she sounds slutty then she might be more open to a one night stand.

Monica: Joey, women are never just open to one night stands. You not calling them back does not qualify as a one night stand! I can't believe you still do that.

Joey: Hey, I'm settling down alright. [Gina and Michael laugh] Yeah alright.

Phoebe: We're side stepping, I kind of have a problem here!

Rachel: Pheebs, it doesn't sound like it's a problem to me.

Phoebe: Oh come on Rachel, you of all people should understand this, I mean you have been cheated on before.

[Rachel shoots a look at Ross]

Jack: You told us that you guys were on a break!

Ross: We were on a break!

Rachel: Says you.

Phoebe: Well I was actually thinking of Barry but sure, we can go with the Ross thing!

Ross [trying to change subject]:So dinner's great this year, I'm so glad we came--

Phoebe: I'm not done!

Ross: Look just talk to Mike, and don't jump to any conclusions!

Phoebe: Alright! But if he is cheating on me he's in serious trouble. Not as much as Chandler's gonna be after the nut jokes though.

Chandler: Pheebs, I'm not going to make a joke, trust me on this.

[Mike enters]

Mike: Hey you guys.

Monica: What are you doing here?

Mike: Well I was feeling a bit better so I got the train.

Phoebe: [angry] Wow, that must have some good loving you got then. You were like, dying, of like, the 'flu and now here, walking around, saying, you know, "hey you guys!"

Mike: What are you talking about?

Ross: Pheebs, remember that not jumping to conclusions that we talked about. This would be where you do it!

Phoebe: Yeah, her, the slutty womanwho answered your phone [Joey nods]. Who was she?

Mike: The next door neighbour.

Joey: Why don't I live there?

Phoebe: She wasn't the woman. The next door neighbour's like, 60 [Joey looks shocked] and she's definately not slutty! [Joey looks relieved]

Mike: I'm telling you it was her. She brought me over some chicken soup.

Phoebe: Don't you think you should have got your wife to be over chicken soup?

Mike: Well you were here, and we're allowed to have chicken in the house! Anyway is there any turkey for me?

Joey: No no no no no! [guards his plate]

Mike: Oh come on! I have to eat leaves all year, I should at least get turkey at Thanksgiving.

Monica: I had to give all your turkey to Joey. But come on people, I'm sure we can spare a little bit of turkey off of our plates for Mike?

Mike: Suddenly I feel like I should be eating on the kitchen floor! I'll just eat some of these nuts. They're quite soft aren't they?

Chandler: Oh please tell me you're not making jokes about my nuts too?

Mike: Give me some credit, I'm not twelve! [Chandler looks hurt] Or, er, you!

Ross [to Michael]: So Joey tells me you're studying Astrophysics. I'm a scientist myself. Actually I'm a professor of Paleontology.

Michael: Wow, at my school the paleontologists are such geeks! [laughs a little]. Not that you're not cool, although your parents may think that--

Gina: Michael, please tell me I taught you something. Always think before opening your mouth! I thought you weren't going to turn out like Joey.

Joey [looks up from his plate with a mouthful of turkey]: What?

Gina: See.

Monica: OK, looks like we're all finished here. Chandler, can you take the plates into the kitchen?

Mike: Damn, I dropped the bowl. You want me to help you pick up your nuts? [looks pleased with himself] I can get away with one, right?



Closing Tag

[later]

Rachel: Well we'd better hit the road. Here's your fifty bucks Monica.

Phoebe: Yeah mine too. I can't believe you won!

Monica: Oh did you really think you'd win?

[All look at Chandler balancing the nut bowl on his nose]

Phoebe: Well yeah!

Mike: Oh that reminds me. I picked you up some monkey nuts and some chestnuts, they're both quite traditional for Christmas.

Chandler: [comes over happy] Wow, monkey nuts. Someone was using his head when he came up with that name, huh! [brief pause whilst everyone realises that he's just made a joke] Dammit!

Joey: What?

[Pittston]

Hilarious. Really great!

[unagi]

Just in case anyone wants to read the whole script as a single file, it's been attached as a .zip. The file is in RTF format which means that you should be able to read it using any word processing package (including WordPad).


Enjoy :D

[chanchan-man]

that was great!

[#1-DJCMLM-fan]

Very funny!!! Great work!!!!!:D :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: